Hello, my name is Eloise and I’m addicted to Bravo shows. If I have any energy left at the end of the day after I wrangle my children and work and normal life, I will happily spend every evening with Andy Cohen and the Housewives, although I also love Summer House, and sometimes Vanderpump Rules and Below Deck. I used to consider them a guilty pleasure that I had to keep secret, but I realized that was like the elementary school equivalent of telling someone that you were friends with them at a playdate and then ignoring them on the playground in front of the rest of the class. Now I happily embrace my friends, so much so that I will talk your ear off in Pilates class about Kyle’s terrible fashion show when we are supposed to be very serious and thinking about our leg turnout, and yesterday I forced my husband and kids to be their bedrooms by eight, so that I could enjoy my peaceful time of listening to people fight, buy homes they can’t really afford and make out with total idiots without any interruptions. 

Each week in this blog post, I’ll go through my highlights of the week and let you know who I would invite to a cocktail party this week and who would definitely be off the guest list. There are many things that go into planning the guest list for a fun cocktail party-you need just the right mix of interesting, intelligent, crazy, and fun, so check out my list for this week and let me know if you agree or if you have other guests that I should consider sending a last minute invite!

First things first:

Who isn’t invited to my cocktail party?

1. Stassi and Scheana from Vanderpump Rules. Normally, I love Stassi and Scheana. I think Stassi is gorgeous and entertaining and I think that she and Beau are a great couple (yes, he likes being on tv a little too much, but I think that’s better than the other way around for someone who wants to marry Stassi). Scheana has been overachieving this season working as the bridge between the old cast and the new cast (I still don’t like any of them, but I have noticed Charli has had some funny one-liners recently). However, this week both women reverted to old and messy behavior that was deeply misguided and very frustrating. Stassi refusing to help with the wine party and then picking a fight with Beau and blaming it on Kristen was not a good look. I usually see Kristen as the problem, but this week she seemed to be working hard buying plastic cauldrons and trying to assemble signs for the party for their wine, while Stassi felt she was too cool to bother. Scheana trying to spring a psychic on Dayna was the worst idea for a birthday present that I have ever seen on TV or in real life, and her crying that her “friend" Brent didn’t care about her was tragic. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and say “He isn’t your actual friend. He’s a douche with a Jesus complex who wants camera time! Please stop trying to get him to behave like a real human-it’s never going to happen!”  Both of these women have so much power, if they could get over their complexes and embrace it, and it makes me sad to them wasting it on silly fights and lame people.

2. Luke from Summer House. I just don’t get the appeal of him and his hair and faux-midwestern hockey player vibe. I’m not sure if he’s trying to manipulate Hannah or if he actually likes her, but I do know that whatever he is doing is weird and that Hannah deserves better. 

3. Sutton and Teddi on RHOBH. I know that a lot of people think Teddi is boring, but I have to confess that I usually like her in spite of that, but pregnant Teddi really is super boring and contributing very little. Sutton, on the other hand, is trying way too hard to bring something to the table, and it’s falling very flat. Her dinner with Kyle was beyond awkward and her interactions with the ladies and with the mayor at her store opening were equally cringe-worthy.

4. Ramona on RHONY: When you invite people to your house for the weekend, but then spend the entire time telling them to clean up, or sneaking out for dates or other parties, you’re undoing any friend points that you earned by hosting everyone!

And now for the winners!

Who made the guest list this week?

1. Erika from RHOBH. I’m loving Erika’s more open and sharing vibe this season. From taking us to Shakers, to tearing up about Tom and why she shouldn’t have to keep defending her twenty year marriage, to the genuine excitement and emotion they both displayed when she got her contract to play Roxy Hart, I think she’s already given us more in two episodes than she did all of last season, and I’m here for it.

2. The Producers from RHOBH: I couldn’t stop laughing at how sketchy Dorit and PK were about their finances in this episode and I loved that the producers are doing a lot of breaking the fourth wall this season and giving them a hard time about it. I honestly don’t care if they’re rich or broke or con artists or successful business people-they’re fun to watch either way!

3. Amanda and Kyle from Summer House: They were happy and in love this episode and it was so nice to see them being a cute couple and joking around. I also loved that Amanda was giving Luke a hard time for being sketchy about his hook-ups and how he’s treating Hannah-even though it isn’t really Amanda’s business, she doesn’t like him and isn’t afraid to let him know, which really livened up the show this week.

4. Leah, Sonja and Tinsley: Were they messy? Yes, literally and figuratively! Did they spend far too much time talking about whether they were or were not trophy wives? Yes, and as Leah said-if you have debate it, you probably are one. But when they were skinny dipping and tossing tiki torches and drunkenly eating all the carbs, they were so much fun, I was wishing I could transport myself through the tv out of this quarantine directly to Ramona’s and join them! (But I might not invite them back to my house for the after party, just in case Leah decided to get in a fight with my potted plants or Sonja wanted to leave her vibrator in the pancake mix).